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Take a Breath — On James Nestor’s Breath: The New Science of a Lost Art
Rainbow over Ha Giang, Vietnam, 2018.

Rainbow over Ha Giang, Vietnam, 2018.

To be alive means that we are in a constant state of homeostasis. Part of maintaining our physiological balance requires breathing. You can survive for three weeks without food and about three days without water, but we’re granted only three precious minutes without breathing before we will expire. So important was the breath to the ancient Chinese that they encoded it in their numerical system. The character for the number four makes the shape of a nose and nostrils to represent the act of breathing. It also happens to sound like the word for death. In many cultures, the number four symbolizes completion. What is a human without breath but incomplete? 

What is a human without breath but incomplete? 

Today, breathing well is hard. While the pandemic improved air quality around the globe, the air quality index has surged again with devastating west coast fires and our swift return to productivity. According to James Nestor, author of Breath: The New Science of a Lost Art, it’s not just the fires on the west coast or our insatiable consumer appetite making it hard to breathe. It’s us. 

It seems implausible at first, but Nestor makes a compelling case navigating research that suggests our evolving anatomy has resulted in a shift from nasal to mouth breathing. This change has had devastating consequences. Scientists blame mouth breathing for the rise of snoring, sleep apnea, asthma, allergies, hypertension, and even autoimmune disease. To understand how we became a culture gasping for air, Nestor travels back in time and up his nose to make a case that ancient medicine, the “lost art” part of his subtitle, can resuscitate how we breathe.

Nestor is no slouch when it comes to researching how humans breathe. He’s done it before in DEEP: Freediving, Renegade Science, and What the Ocean Tells Us about Ourselves, which examined the amphibious abilities of freedivers. No surprise. They are great breathers. The book also served as the foundation for this book. Just as Nestor embeds himself with extreme athletes in DEEP, he makes himself a subject again in Breath when he joins a 20-day breathing study at Stanford University, which he describes at times to comic effect. This study, and his participation in it, flows the length of the book, but the headwater begins ten years before when a doctor recommends breathing exercises for Nestor’s respiratory problems. He’s ready to reclaim his life. At times feeling like a search for the holy grail, Nestor delivers on his introductory statement that the book “is a scientific adventure into the lost art and science of breathing.”

Like Nestor, I sought medical advice to feel better when I hit a slump in my life. At the time, I lived in Hanoi, a city whose average air quality meant that on most days I would hover over a purifier to huff clean air. Wearing a mask only did so much. I became a shut-in who dreaded even a walk to the corner bodega for fear I’d be drained. Most days I was. After fruitless visits to a Western medicine hospital, I chose to see a traditional Vietnamese doctor. Lying on the examination table, the doctor tutted over me. After watching me breathe for several minutes, she concluded that the problem wasn’t my environment: it was my breath. I asked what the prescription might be, expecting her to needle me and send me home with herbs.

“Come tomorrow for qigong. I will teach you.” With my next inhale, I came alive with the possibility of breathing better — whatever that meant.

Nestor received a similar prescription from his doctor to join a class to learn the breathing technique called Sudarshan Kriya. Like qigong and the thousands of methods like it, the technique trains people to take in air in a way we’re not accustomed to: cyclically and rhythmically. And perhaps most importantly, with intention. From this foundation in traditional healing practices, Nestor vacillates in time to uncover the earliest and latest “plumonauts,” a term he uses to define those researching breathing and their methods to improve it.

When looking for any lost thing, the first step is to recall where you last left it. In the case of breathing, all compasses point to the East. It doesn’t matter where the plumonaut in question lives, their work is built upon a foundation of several millennia-old Eastern texts which viewed proper breathwork as preventive medicine. 

When looking for any lost thing, the first step is to recall where you last left it.

This is something I know first-hand. When I read Breath, I was in my first year of medical school at Shanghai University of Traditional Chinese Medicine in China. After learning qigong from my Vietnamese doctor, I wanted to know more about this ancient practice. A year later, I moved to Shanghai to study with Dr. Chen Chang Le, a qigong master and acclaimed physician at the Shanghai Qigong Institute. Breath is his specialty. His classes on qigong form the basis of his research, but his practice of it likely accounts for his chill vibe, too.

Just as there are many techniques for breathing, there are many forms of qigong. The one I practiced with Dr. Chen was a version we could easily teach people. We planned to study the physiological effects of casual, but regular qigong practitioners. Unwittingly, I became a plumonaut, gaining access to a community of people obsessed with breathing. What I discovered, that Nestor’s writing affirms, is that we aren’t looking for hacks, nor do we appreciate our rigorous work filed under “New Age.” Like me, the people I met were serious researchers intent on improving human well-being. We view our work as a calling, and doing so within a community that understands it as such, is essential. 

Sangha is the Sanskrit word for "community." Buddhist teacher and monk Thich Nhat Hanh writes that “Without being in a sangha, without being supported by a group of friends who are motivated by the same ideal and practice, we cannot go far.” Traditional medicine, the “lost art” Nestor is referring to, requires an attentive and supportive community to flourish and grow. It is impossible to read Breath without jumping to the end of the book, where an extensive resource section then leads you to Nestor’s website. More than serving its purpose of brand awareness, it has become like an Alexandria of breathing libraries, but it’s also a hub for a community of people who wish to become better breathers. 

We view our work as a calling, and doing so within a community that understands it as such, is essential. 

That’s how I learned that Chuck McGee, one of the particularly colorful characters Nestor spends time with in Breath, was hosting a free, online class to learn more about the Wim Hof Method. Wim Hof has become a guru in the wellness industry, his acclaim reaching as far as China if you count my classmate’s obsession with taping her lips while sleeping — a method Hof talks about. Or better, that I download his app. He has one of those too. Hof is the self-taught, extreme-athlete also known as “Ice Man” because he broke the Guinness World Record for prolonged contact with ice while swimming under it. Since then, Hoff’s fame has grown with the eponymously named method he created to improve overall wellness, which incorporates cold exposure, breathing techniques, and meditation. It’s this method that McGee traveled to Poland to study. Since learning the Wim Hof Method, McGee began teaching the breathing portion of the technique in person, then moved online with the COVID-19 pandemic.

On a Monday evening, I joined his free class along with nearly 200 other curious people from around the world. Nestor was silently present in the Zoom call, too. For the first half-hour, McGee explained the process and technique, beginning with an informal medical disclosure. We moved on to the breathing exercise, which resembled the way Nestor describes it in his book. After the first round, I went deaf. A chatter of crickets erupted in my ears, and the upper area of my chest became hot and prickly. My ears grew warm. Surprisingly, my nostrils chilled with every inhalation. After holding in the air following the second breath, my upper arms became like logs, and felt paralyzed. When McGee ended the session, I was pretty sure that if I stood up, I would pass out. Despite all of this, I felt calm, utterly so. 

Ideally, this, and all the breathing techniques Nestor covers, should be done with extensive and careful instruction. These aren’t techniques to be mastered overnight. They take years, if not decades. Although Nestor takes the position of the skeptic throughout the book, his respect for each breathing technique is evident. His research methodology seems meticulous and the phrase “consult a doctor” is peppered throughout. Some techniques, he notes, especially those that require restrictive breathing, can be dangerous. Tummo, the technique from which Wim Hof developed his method, is one of them. 

Later, I asked Dr. Nida “Dr. Nida” Chenagtsang, a Tibetan Medicine doctor and teacher of the tummo or “inner fire” mediation, about my experience with the practice. Mostly he thinks it's good that tummo breathing is being shared. For more advanced levels though, he’s wary.

 “If somebody doesn’t know what is happening energetically or mentally, or if you don’t know the inner transformation and process, then it can be dangerous,” he said. Tummo, after all, isn’t just about breathwork, it’s a part of a system within Tibetan Traditional Medicine. 

The energy that Dr. Nida is referring to is the “life force,” a term that has various names in different cultures, including prana, qi, pneuma, ki, orenda, ruah, etc. Although no one has yet confirmed that it exists, numerous studies, including the one I began working on, have tried to measure aspects of it. Lifeforce is the foundation of traditional medicine around the world. More recently, attempts by individuals to monetize some aspects of these ancient medicine practices are concerning. Traditional medicine isn’t meant to be practiced piece-meal. Novice practitioners, without the proper guidance, can seriously harm themselves. 

Dr. Nida explained that forced and restrictive breathing, which are considered advanced practices, can result in panic attacks or psychosis. Therefore, a method like tummo requires the proper setting and teacher. Dr. Nida, for his part, instructs regular classes online, and before COVID-19, in retreats, but he has also written extensively on breathing techniques. In short, he advises people to learn simple breathing exercises to acquaint themselves with breath and body. In its Appendix, Nestor outlines all the breathing techniques the book covers, including others that didn’t “make the cut” but that he regularly practices. Taking Dr. Nida’s recommendation, novice breathers might select an observational breathing technique like nadi shodhana, breathing coordination, or resonant breathing. Tummo or any of the restrictive techniques should be practiced only after mastering basic techniques.

If somebody doesn’t know what is happening energetically or mentally, or if you don’t know the inner transformation and process, then it can be dangerous.
— Dr. Nida Chenagtsang

Another key point of Breath is that our lifestyle shapes us, sometimes to our detriment. To address this point, Nestor offers a delightful exploration of the human species’ nasal and oral evolution. I had a hunch our noses have evolved — or devolved, depending on the snout you inherited. From within the caverns of Nestor’s nasal passages and equally dark catacombs of Paris, we learn why breathing well is getting harder for humans to do. One idea is that our difficulty breathing is closely tied to the boom of industrialized agriculture and processed food. That wonderful, soft white bread doesn’t just wreak havoc on our waistlines, it also weakens the structures in our body that help us breathe.

Although Nestor spends less time explaining this research, he nonetheless embeds himself in it by wearing a special retainer for a year to increase the size of his mouth. His experience adds to the growing body of evidence that we are not entirely at the mercy of our genetic inheritance. If you aren’t keen to wear orthodontics for a year, then Nestor has you covered. He includes a brief, but a valuable section in the Appendix on eating “rougher, rawer, heartier” foods. I felt less guilt devouring several loaves of pandemic sourdough bread when I knew it had the added bonus of strengthening my jaw. Doing so was making me a better breather. 

Beyond offering practical, ancient advice, Breathe is an invaluable tool in a time of upheaval, when statements like “I can’t breathe” spoken by Eric Garner (now a Black Lives Matter slogan) permeate the headlines, when the smoke from epic flames chokes the west coast, or when masks that obstruct our breathing have become part of our face. Nestor begins with an epigram culled from an engraving from the Zhou Dynasty, a dynasty that lasted longer than any other in Chinese history, and was notably famous for the beginnings of Daoism and Confucianism. It warns that when breathing, “the inhalation must be full.” The engraving further warns that anyone who acts against this wisdom will die. It sounds harsh, but the ancient Chinese sages understood the power of breath, that it was essential. To take a “full inhalation” or "deep breath” isn’t a platitude. It’s daily medicine. 


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Grief in the Time of COVID-19

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Church of the Holy Sepulchre, Jerusalem, Israel

Church of the Holy Sepulchre, Jerusalem, Israel

In 2014, I was in a meeting in Verona, Italy, demo-ing a feature on Facebook when I was tagged in a post by my mother. My grandmother was dead. Six years later and only an hour-and-a-half away from where I received that news is Bergamo, the epicenter of the COVID-19 pandemic. I wonder how many people have been alerted of the death of a loved one via the company whose mission aspires to “bring the world closer together.” More importantly, how many people will be forced to grieve this way? 

More importantly, how many people will be forced to grieve this way?

When my grandmother died, there was no funeral. It was her choice, a wish we could respect then and now, unlike other people who might prefer a celebration. My mother is one of those people. I used to cringe when she would describe what her own funeral would be like in terms of “laughter, joy” and “praise,” but now I can’t imagine it any other way. She embodies all of those words. She has the praise music picked out (“I’m Not Ashamed” by the Newsboys) and requested an altar call for non-believers. In the end, funerals reflect who we are. How will we cope with how COVID-19 is rewriting our endings?

I didn’t know about my grandmother’s cancer diagnosis until it had progressed into a stage where it had metastasized and fed on the rest of her body. The final act. Stage four. I remember the call from my mother well. Late spring. Torrential downpour in the Meatpacking District of Manhattan trying to hail a cab to JFK. As fate would have it, I had already planned a trip home. But the Fates don’t like to give without receiving.  

“It’s the end,” my mom told me. An umbrella was useless. I threw up my hand. People passing by, if they even noticed, wouldn’t be able to tell the rain from my tears. 

By the following morning, I was at my grandmother’s bedside. I was angry that there was a delay to bring me to her house in central Florida, a few hours from my parents’ home. What small luxuries we had then. 

When I arrived, a couple of cousins, their dad, and my mom and dad were the only ones there. I have few memories of that day. I imagine it was sunny and hot since that’s how Florida always is in May. My cousins, whose father was waiting on news of their inheritance, kept to themselves. At some point, my mom ushered me into the area of the living room where my grandmother would breathe her last breath. She said little that I can recall now, but what I will never forget is our last embrace. 

I had often imagined that a grandmother was someone who pinched your cheeks and smelled of baby powder. Not my grandmother. I have no memories of her hugging me to know what she smelled like, or getting close enough to me to pinch my cheeks. As an adult, I wrote her letters. Her replies read like a farmer’s almanac: “Put the tomatoes in. Weather’s hot.”

In the end, it was her stomach that was hot.

“The cancer’s here, hun,” she said, pressing my hand into a warm, dough belly. “Right here,” she pressed it harder as if cancer was bread you could knead into a beautiful loaf. It was a short visit. Before I left, I do know I hugged my grandmother, holding onto her until I could feel her pull away, the same elasticity as a good dough. What small luxuries we had then. 

A headline from Bergamo, Italy, last week read: “Coffins Pile Up in Churches, People in Their 80s Die Alone”. Unlike my grandmother, the Italians I knew embraced people a lot. Ever the cultural anthropologist, at one time in my life, I had a summer romance with a man from Bergamo. He was older, and as is the traditional Italian way, even in his 40s, he lived with his mother until a few years ago. Was she OK?, I wondered. Is she alone? My concern isn’t unfounded. Another Italian friend recently wrote to say he lost an aunt and four friends, adding these sharp words: “I couldn’t say goodbye to any of them.” 

I couldn’t say goodbye to any of them.

Lombardy, the region where Bergamo is located, has reported over 2,000 deaths in a little over a month. One writer put it in perspective for us this way: “The local newspaper L’eco di Bergamo usually publishes two pages of death announcements every day, and now there are 10.”

Something is missing from the headlines though. Something that hasn’t hit people yet. But it will. It’s the question of how we will grieve in the time of COVID-19, because if there is one thing that is certain in life, it’s that there’s death. In fact, one statistic puts the number of people who die on a normal, non-pandemic day, at 150,000. A few days ago, my friend became a statistic. She didn’t die from complications caused by COVID-19. Like my grandmother, she died from cancer, too. 

In the early days of the pandemic, in the halcyon days when it was still referred to as coronavirus, I read a report from Wuhan indicating that people who died at hospital would be cremated, their bones available for pick up, and nothing more. A countrywide ban made it impossible for loved ones to gather for a funeral, to grieve. 

It seemed impossible then, the kind of thing you read about and then think, That would never happen here, and then it does and not just to people who die from complications of the virus. It happens to everyone, including my friend, Daun. When I got the call from my Dad, who had read about it on Facebook, I remembered my grandmother. The news of her death shared on the same platform, which I had only recently logged out of. I logged back in to see the memories of my friend flood her son’s announcement from around the world. For now, this would be the closest thing most of us would get to a gathering.   

Unlike my grandmother who loathed the idea of any kind of get-together, the tragedy of the time we’re living in now is that Daun would have appreciated a service of remembrance. Not because it would have been focused on her, but because she is the kind of person who would know that gathering helps people grieve. Grief was something she understood.  

A contemporary of my mother and the mother of my childhood friend, the spirit of our relationship was one of family. I loved Daun. After I had briefly moved back to my home state of Florida to reorient my life, Daun and I reconnected — this time as grown-ups. One of the first things I updated her with was the news of a miscarriage. It was a loss I had failed to process and one that in the loving space that Daun created, I could face. 

"You will always be a mother,” she told me, clutching my hand, tears in her eyes. She took on my burden. My loss was hers.   

When I finally got in touch with Daun’s son after hearing the news of her death, my instinct was to offer to get in a car, drive to where he was, and hug him. We would ugly cry together and wipe each other’s tears. But I couldn’t. Under the terror of COVID-19, the law of the land is to stay-at-home. To be alone with our grief.  

Under the terror of COVID-19, the law of the land is to stay-at-home. To be alone with our grief.

One-hundred and fifty thousand people die everyday. How many lives do these people touch? Andrew Gleman did research for the New York Times that suggested on average, we know between 10 to 25 people. That’s nothing to say of people who, out of respect or admiration — and perhaps, in some rare cases, out of loathing — would attend our funeral. I remember attending the funeral of my childhood friend’s brother. He was a popular athlete at the local high school. Afterward, his sister grabbed the guest book, and in a move that sounds rather macabre in hindsight, we began to tally all his ex-girlfriend’s. We lost count. 

Let’s say we take the modest of the two numbers and go with ten, that means that every day on average there are 1.5 million people mourning the loss of a loved one. Today, they are without adequate means to do so. My grandmother and other people like her aside, the way that many humans have processed death in our lives is via the ritual of a funeral, a rite pre-dating modern Homo sapiens to almost 300,000 years ago. In other words, it is ingrained in our humanity, and until last month, enacted every day by the way we burn loved ones on the Ganges River, queue to pay our respects to dignitaries lying in state, or gather to say our last words. To embrace. What small luxuries we had then. 

I wish I knew the answer to how we can remake an ancient ritual that defines us as humans. Posting a eulogy to Facebook doesn’t seem enough. Maybe it is for you. It’s not for me. Some people might delay services where they can, but the funeral rites of a few religions require swift burial of their dead. 

Daun was a devout Bahá’í, a convivial religion whose hallmark events are called “firesides”, gatherings that bring people together in conversation and song. They are the sort of thing where people in their togetherness can fellowship and feel renewed in God’s love, especially in dark times. But what of the dark times when we can’t gather? Do we sing alone? I know I’m not prepared for a solo. 

Bahá’í funerals are expected to take place within twenty-four hours of a believer’s death. Like all Bahá’í funerals, Daun’s service would include the only prayer in the religion that is permitted to be read as a group, the “Prayer for the Dead”. Normally, people would gather and select one person to recite the prayer while all others present silently listen.  

The group mourning Daun in-person will be smaller — not for any other reason but that the government mandates it. Pre-COVID-19, I’d imagine hundreds would show up to honor my anam cara, to share the burden of our grief, to embrace. Since I’m not among those able to gather, I will say Daun’s prayer alone and do what humans have always done best, adapt.


Coucou Home is a place to feel refreshed, find heart sustenance, and heal your spirit. For this reason, it will always be ad-free. If you enjoy my work and value creativity in the world, please consider becoming a patron by making a donation in any amount or buying my work. Your support is greatly appreciated! Thank you!

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Move With the Sun

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Until I lived in Asia, I didn’t have a morning ritual other than the shower, coffee, out-the-door trio that’s become commonplace around the world. A year into living in Hanoi, a ritual emerged, and for the most part, remains a part of my third year abroad. So why do I do it?

A daily ritual is important. It sets the tone of my days, buoying me to something that keeps me afloat even on the roughest of days. Along the way, I’ve modified my routine, and that’s been critical to its longevity.

Here are my tips for creating a ritual that lasts:

Move with the sun. I adjust the time I wake up to when the sun rises. So that means that during the winter I go to bed earlier and wake up later, while in the summer I go to bed a bit later and rise earlier. I also adjust it based on my exam schedule. You may find changing it to suit your work or family’s schedule ensures it happens every day, all year.

Be flexible. So you missed a day. Ok. Begin, again.

Try a nightly ritual. Rituals don’t just belong to the morning. I even have one for the afternoon.

Create rituals that energize or nourish you. They can challenge you, but shouldn't deplete you.

Share your practice. My husband and I share parts of my evening ritual. Since he knows about my practices, he encourages me when I'm slacking.

Keep it simple and maybe even short. Three times during the day are set aside for ritual, so I keep things short. No more than an hour in the morning, and only thirty minutes in the afternoon and evening. While I admire people with Superman meditation sessions or Rushdie's writing stamina, they are not for me right now.


Coucou Home is a place to feel refreshed, find heart sustenance, and heal your spirit. For this reason, it will always be ad-free. If you enjoy my work and value creativity in the world, please consider becoming a patron by making a donation in any amount or buying my work. Your support is greatly appreciated! Thank you!

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SPIRITMary Warnerstories
What is the Bedrock of Creativity?

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Curiosity is the bedrock of creativity. Yet in our daily lives, we’ve become less inclusive, immersing ourselves in tribes comprised of people who share our world view. It's a safe way to live, but are we really living? Curiosity means getting close to what we don’t understand. It means listening. We can’t wait until catastrophe strikes to extend an olive branch.

The time is now.


Coucou Home is a place to feel refreshed, find heart sustenance, and heal your spirit. For this reason, it will always be ad-free. If you enjoy my work and value creativity in the world, please consider becoming a patron by making a donation in any amount or buying my work. Your support is greatly appreciated! Thank you!

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When Joy Becomes Strength

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In Traditional Chinese Medicine, joy is one of the seven emotions that we experience as humans, but its meaning implies a state of mind (over- or under-excited) rather than a spiritual calling. So what is joy? And where does it come from?

There’s a beautiful passage in the Book of Nehemiah in which its author writes, “Do not be sad, for the joy of YHWH is your strength.” YHWH, is the unspoken name of god for the kingdom of Israel, and what became Judah. Christians later adopted the name, and I grew up hearing it belted out as “Yahweh” in Sunday morning worship service. A line in one song rendered from scripture always stood out to me: “The joy of my Lord is my strength.” Taken from the Book of Nehemiah when the walls of Jerusalem were being rebuilt, the modern praise hymn replaced YHWH with Lord, but the meaning remained: Joy in what we are doing gives us strength. 

Rumi, the 13th-century Sufi poet, also had this to say of joy: “Heart sorrow prepares you for joy. It shakes the yellow leaves from the bough of your heart so that fresh, green leaves can grow in their place. It pulls up the rotten roots so that new roots hidden beneath have room to grow. Whatever sorrow shakes from your heart, far better things will take their place.”

And that far better thing is joy. Sorrow, then, is the fertile soil that gives life to joy. 


Coucou Home is a place to feel refreshed, find heart sustenance, and heal your spirit. For this reason, it will always be ad-free. If you enjoy my work and value creativity in the world, please consider becoming a patron by making a donation in any amount or buying my work. Your support is greatly appreciated! Thank you!

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SPIRITMary Warnerstories
What a Hacking Cough Can Teach Us

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For the last ten days, I’ve been at the mercy of a cough. In the evening, it’s the worst, holding me hostage from much-needed sleep. So last night I tried something different. I let the cough happen. After a few hearty hacks, my heaving chest slowed to stillness. I was awake a bit longer and then sleep arrived at last. Sweet and silent. What other areas of our lives do we fight against rather than go with the flow of life’s breath? Of course, there are things that deserve a fight. Most things require patience though. Something a hacking cough will teach you if you allow it. 


Coucou Home is a place to feel refreshed, find heart sustenance, and heal your spirit. For this reason, it will always be ad-free. If you enjoy my work and value creativity in the world, please consider becoming a patron by making a donation in any amount or buying my work. Your support is greatly appreciated! Thank you!

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EVERYDAYMary Warnerstories
If I’m Being Honest

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Day 1: Vibrant. Lipstick perfect. Lots of smiles.

Day 60: Frazzled. What lipstick? Hair in a top knot if I can find my elastic. Smiles are for 22 year-olds.

The down-side to going to medical school, especially when wellness is read on the face, is you can’t hide your bad days. In the past, I could hole up at home and send out SOS messages via text like: “I’m o.k.” (As if eating popcorn midday in pajamas you’ve worn for 3 days is o.k.)

Now with a full load of classes, which unlike client calls I have to arrive fully groomed and clothed for, I’ve had to confront my anxiety, a beast I’m still learning to tame.

The thing is, I thought I left it caged in the office of my formerly corporate life. Until then, I took a low dose of anti-anxiety medication. After I left that world and with my newly found freedom, I was able to ween myself off the medication and replaced it with exercise, something my five-to-eternity schedule never allowed for.

Slowly, I added meditation, but that took years of consistent practice to become an effective tool to manage my anxiety. (Yoga helped too, but not as consistently as meditation, which is why I’m in Shanghai studying qigong, a Daoist form of meditation.)

There’s a reason I’m making this public.

1) It helps me.

I’m a perfectionist. Sharing my imperfections with the world allows me to see myself as part of a larger picture, to shift my perspective from hyper-focusing on myself to recognizing other people like me struggling with exactly the same issues.

2) It might help you.

We all experience stress. That doesn’t mean coping with it is any easier. If everyone had a broken arm, would your broken arm hurt any less? So talk about how your feeling. Begin — or return to — a practice to help manage the stress and anxieties of being human.


Coucou Home is a place to feel refreshed, find heart sustenance, and heal your spirit. For this reason, it will always be ad-free. If you enjoy my work and value creativity in the world, please consider becoming a patron by making a donation in any amount or buying my work. Your support is greatly appreciated! Thank you!

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BE WELLMary Warnerstories
How to Make the Most of the Ombre Season

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Dahlias, the flower of the ombre season.

Dahlias, the flower of the ombre season.

The kids are off to school, here’s what to do during the ombre season.


For a long time, I had no idea there could be no more than four seasons. Then I found out that in places like southern India, which seemed to have only one season—scorching, a six-season calendar is the norm. Even at home in the United States, in addition to the seasons everyone knows, the North American Cree still use a 6-season system that includes “break-up” and “freeze-up,” both seasons that reflect literal interpretations of nature.

In China, where I’ll be living, many people observe five seasons. There’s spring, summer, fall, and winter, but there’s also a late-summer or “long summer”, which happens to be now. I call it ombre season. It’s the time of year when subtle shades of yellow and red appear on trees before the fall drama. Most people place late-summer roughly between mid-August and the autumn solstice—but the text of the Huangdi Neijing (黄帝内经), which considers this period critical in Chinese Traditional Medicine, is vague. One thing is certain: This is a period of the in-between.

Lately, people have reached out to me in various states of crazed and frustrated. The holidays are over, but schools haven't quite begun. They are either frantic or harried, unhinged by the sudden change in schedule. Even people without children are not immune to the universal slow down that inevitably occurs in August. Those of us without them just have fewer distractions to mitigate it.

On the heels of summer comes fall. Most people are only a couple of generations removed from families who worked farms. Yet, it’s difficult to imagine the enormity of a fall harvest, the preparation of land and household for wintering, and the shortening of the days aided only by candlelight. The last light of summer offered a reprieve for the darkness ahead. In the context of today, where LED lights can stay on for 11 years before they burn out, relying on a natural countdown that slows us down before the frenzy of fall, is essential.

So here are my tips for embracing the ombre season:

Make a list of all that's good.

We often make endless lists detailing what we have to do, so why not make one that highlights the good. Mid-way through the year is a great time to reflect and take stock of the joy.

Walk like Thich Nhat Hahn.

If you’re not familiar with Thich That Hanh, he is a Buddhist monk who popularized the practice of a slow, meditative walk. You can learn his method here. To see the ombre colors between summer and fall, you have to slow down. There's no need to go for a hike. A walk down the block works, too. The act of slowing down allows us to see the intricate layers of life, and by design, our relationships and how we live. Then, maybe, you’ll notice ombre everywhere.

Do a cleanse.

Just as people ritually clean after winter, now is a good time to sort through, recycle, or give away anything that is no longer serving you. If it doesn’t bring you joy, it’s time to go. And the best part? You’ll have cut your spring cleaning in half!

Stay hydrated.

Just because the weather is cooling off a bit, doesn’t mean you need to drink less water. Sweat evaporates quickly in cool, dry air. Drinking plenty of water ensures your organs are not overheating and functioning optimally.

Get extra sleep — a short nap counts, too!

If, like me, you can’t take naps, get to bed earlier. The sleep control center of your brain is more sensitive to the hot and humid that typifies the ombre season, so getting extra sleep will help you stay more focused during the day.


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5 Lessons From Vietnam

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Vietnam, a place of growth.

Vietnam, a place of growth.

Leaving a place is the perfect time to reflect on the lessons we’ve learned. Here are my top 5 from my Vietnam.


Smiling is a universal language.

In The Unbearable Lightness of Being, Milan Kundera expressed the human desire to be seen. When words fail, a smile says, "I see you." While I still don't speak Vietnamese, I have mastered smiling. 

Make friendship a priority at every age.

A lot of people complain that friendships wane after college. Life gets busy with marriage, kids, and jobs, each vying for attention. Though it seemed counterintuitive, when I moved to Vietnam, I invested my time in new friendships. When life eventually became tough, as it often does, I had local friends to lean on.

There is no such thing as a perfect city.

Dating people is essentially trying to understand another human. When we take the leap at love, we also learn more about ourselves. The same goes for a city. In Hanoi, I learned that I thrive when working with people in the community. Or that I am all about the small-town vibe. Cities can teach us what we don’t like, too. I require fresh air and trees or I will wither! I also must live somewhere where I can be civically engaged. Things Hanoi doesn’t quite offer. Just like people, there is no such thing as a perfect city. Just figure out what you love about the place you call home and you’ll be happy.

Give time before money. 

While many people write checks to nonprofit organizations, few offer a more precious gift: time. Before I moved to Vietnam, I was the center of the universe. My body, my career, and friends all needed tending. In Vietnam, the center shifted. My career lost its appeal, and I craved human connection. I began volunteering with Vinh, a young, bed-bound woman. She quickly became a little sister to me. Through her, I was able to access to Vietnamese culture. Life became robust. Twice a week, we communed. Mostly, we talked or ate together. While that doesn’t seem remarkable, remember what I said about Kundera? 


Find the heart of the matter in your life.

I’ve lamented the need for downsizing before, but Vietnam schooled me on the concept. Marie Kondo has her spark joy, but I needed something less conceptual. Here’s my method for crafting a meaning-filled world.

A purchase of something nonessential only happens if I respond positively to at least two of these questions:

  1. Did I see it being made?

  2. Is it made by an artist?

  3. Does the object mean something to me?

Becoming in-tune with a place allows for greater growth, but to do so requires slowing down and making time for reflection. Even if you’ve lived in a place your entire life, or never plan to leave, each of these lessons can benefit you. Which lesson will you put into practice today?


Coucou Home is a place to feel refreshed, find heart sustenance, and heal your spirit. For this reason, it will always be ad-free. If you enjoy my work and value creativity in the world, please consider becoming a patron by making a donation in any amount or buying my work. Your support is greatly appreciated! Thank you!

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The Stories We No Longer Carry

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The root temple of Thích Nhất Hạnh in Hue, Vietnam.

The root temple of Thích Nhất Hạnh in Hue, Vietnam.

The journey from packing the contents of my life in a moving van to needing only two suitcases for a move abroad is long and winding. It’s telling that those two suitcases are the equivalent of what I first brought with me as I left my childhood home.


Full disclosure: There’s a 50 square foot storage unit filled with things that define the "me" of my past. A year ago, when I moved my storage from Atlanta to Tampa, I found myself transported opening box after box. First to Costa Rica, via a technicolor ceramic bird. Then to Greece, via smooth marble stones. And eventually, to the book store I worked in for nearly a decade via the hundreds of books I collected, each signed by their author. In the span of the morning, I revisited countless shores of friendships and places I called home.

Commodities comprised the bulk of the four suitcases I first brought to Vietnam. Packs of deodorant, grits, quinoa, adobo spice, vanilla, cornmeal, face wash (sans whitening, because that’s the only kind you can get here), nail polish, shampoo, make up, and other things that in America Amazon can deliver in an afternoon. Had a customs official inspected my suitcase they would have assumed I was planning on opening a corner bodega.

In Vietnam, I was conscious of the things I acquired. I bought a pair of Barack and Michelle Obama paintings. A personalized calligraphy scroll for New Years. Vietnamese mulberry paper for suminagashi printing. A handmade coffee mug in the blue ware style of Bat Trang. From friends, I received sentimental things. A cloth mat in the indigo shade the defines table setting. A framed four-leaf clover. A carved wooden owl.

As we disassemble our current home, I marvel at the excess of the commodities, the stuff I was worried I would run out of and now have no room for packing. If we had a more stationary life, that stuff would accumulate. You know, bags of mini-shampoos, baskets of socks, cabinets erupting with plastic ware. We’d move it to our garage. Give it a label for the one day we might need it until we don’t—and then hire a removal company to rid us of the things that symbolize our growing fear of not having enough.

By keeping only the things in our lives that tell a story, we are freer to be more human.

There must be a correlation between the day people stopped asking their neighbors to borrow sugar and the rise of garages for storage of stuff other than cars. I do remember “borrowing” sugar. I also remember growing up in a minimalist home. Things have changed. My parents no longer borrow sugar, and their closets are filled. (To be fair, they do contain my more personal things, but they also one brother’s sneaker collection.)

Alan Watts and others like Eckart Tolle and Vietnamese monk, Thích Nhất Hạnh, have written extensively on the Zen principle of the here and now. In Asia, living in the here and now, that is to say, being in the moment, might explain why time often seems to stand still, moving the way molasses does from a jar. Foresight is a skill that defines the Occidental mind, but it also limits us. Going to get the sugar as a kid when we ran out because my parents were very much living in the moment with their six kids, allowed me to connect with my neighbor, and taught me what it meant to share.

The excesses of our lives have reduced the practice of living in the here and now, which reduces feelings of fear, anxiety, and depression, and the possibility of deeper relationships through the practice of sharing. By keeping only the things in our lives that tell a story, we are freer to be more human.


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Where Do We Go For Transcendence?

4 MIN READ

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The root of transcendence is in trees. Its long history predates the wooden structures that define the places in which we worship today. Without transcendence we are aimless creatures, so what happens when the trees disappear?


After finishing a tour of France that ended in Paris, Lindsey Brown Rahn shared a video from the Trocadero. Behind her on the horizon, the Eiffel Tower stood at stiff attention alongside a plume of smoke. Notre Dame was burning.

Lindsey and her mother had planned to visit the cathedral in the evening, but it wouldn’t be so. First responders evacuated the area adjacent to the cathedral saving the main building, two towers, and one-third of the roof. Gone were Notre Dame’s iconic spire and its forest of rafters, but from its ashes arose a question of transcendence.

For many children, Notre Dame came alive via Disney’s quirky interpretation of Victor Hugo’s French gothic novel The Hunchback of Notre Dame. Whatever the introduction, unknown to most people is that the book’s original title was Notre-Dame de Paris, a fact which historian of France and literary biographer, Rob Zaretsky, believes underscores the cathedral itself as “the most important aspect of the novel.”

When Hugo began writing his novel in the early part of the 1800s, much of Notre Dame was in disrepair and had been scavenged. Following the French Revolution, a program of dechristianization swept the country. Notre Dame was not without its scars.

Notre Dame was not without its scars.

Revolutionaries destroyed all of the large statues on the building’s facade with a notable exception of the Virgin Mary. The goddess of Liberty—or as the French dubbed her, Marianne—replaced several Mary statues. Notre Dame was rededicated to the Cult of Reason and later, under Robespierre, the Cult of the Supreme Being. When Robespierre's life was extinguished, so too was any hope that Notre Dame would catalyze transcendence.

Victor Hugo recognized the power of Notre Dame and other buildings like it not as relics to the past, but as keys to remember it, writing in Book V, Chapter 2 of Notre-Dame de Paris:

There exists in this era, for thoughts written in stone, a privilege absolutely comparable to our current freedom of the press. It is the freedom of architecture.


King Louis the VII and Pope Alexander III were present at the laying of Notre Dame’s cornerstone in the spring of 1163. However, they weren’t the first to welcome a sacred building on the site.

With their forest of arches, dappled light, and a hushed sense of reverence, it's no coincidence that cathedrals often recall the woodlands they’ve replaced. Before the existence of cathedrals like Notre Dame, forests served as places where Druids performed religious rites.

When the Romans arrived, they uprooted Celtic worship by cutting down the Druids’ sacred groves and smashing their altars. Many other groves met a similar fate in the forced conversion of these Earth-revering peoples.

Once the groves were cleared, the Romans built austere, stone temples. Although simple in design, they were complex places of worship. For example, at Île de la Cité, workers found a pillar, one of the oldest monuments in Paris, which confirmed the existence of a Gallo-Roman temple before Notre Dame was built on the site.

The pillar, dedicated to the god of lighting, Jupiter, also included Gallic god names, suggesting that the area was sacred for several generations of inhabitants, including the Celtic tribes. By the time of Christianity, the temple was succeeded by four churches, the last of which was demolished to erect Notre Dame. With the cathedral's completion in 1345, the forest symbolically returned.

It transcends religion, indeed the vibration and gravity of her interior are sacred ground in the same way a grove of ancient trees commands one’s awe.
— Nicholas Lima on Notre Dame

Beneath the roof of Notre Dame remains the oldest forest in France. Although partially replaced in the 13th century and refurbished in the 19th century, the intricate framework of beams was given the romantic designation because each of the 1,300 beams was made 800 years ago from an oak tree that was 300 to 400-year-old when it was felled.

Sacred associations with oak trees survived Christianization and often intertwined with pre-existing beliefs. The word Druid comes from the Celtic word for oak, which the Druids believed was host to the strength and energy of their gods. Notre Dame whose bones were oak, was a place in which people gathered strength from their god.

Remarking on the loss of Notre Dame, Nicholas Lima, an artist who had sketched the cathedral’s interior recently wrote, “It transcends religion, indeed the vibration and gravity of her interior are sacred ground in the same way a grove of ancient trees commands one’s awe.” Not much has changed.

On April 16, an electrical spark ignited a fire that destroyed France’s oldest forest. In the gray morning light, the damage to Notre Dame was sobering. A steady stream of photographs and reminisces of peoples’ pilgrimages to the cathedral—everyone's Lady—clogged social media. They were eerily familiar to posts made in the U.S. when west coast forest fires rage, or when arsonists attack places of worship. They all seemed to ask one question. Where can we find transcendence in a world where real forests and those places of worship shaped by human hands are set ablaze?


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Mats of Practice

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Yoga, like other practices that activate qi or prana, creates a space for self-development and presence. How can we use what we learn on the mat elsewhere in our life or in our creative development?


A wise yoga teacher once told me that "We can always find an excuse to avoid the mat." For those of us who have incorporated yoga into their life, the benefits of a practice outweigh the commitment of time—yet inevitably the excuses pile up and our mat becomes a rolled up fixture in the corner of a room. Why is that? Usually, when we return to our mats it’s to reorient. Yet, if we had been practicing even a little bit every day, we would experience flow both on the mat and in life every day.

Yoga is an aerobic activity for a lot of people—you've seen the drenched Bikram students—but it can also be a metaphor for life that teaches us how to breathe into our experiences. Let me explain. While on the mat, holding a posture, even one that seems easy, becomes intense as lactic acid builds up in the muscle. Breathing soothes the burning sensation because oxygen breaks down the lactic acid, and then converts it to energy. Paradoxically, each breath extinguishes the fire.

Off the mat, fires rage in the form of deadlines, disagreements, and increasing demand for our attention. When we are stressed out our bodies release high levels of cortisol, which, over time, leads to permanent damage to the immune system. A recent study showed that breathing through the diaphragm, rather than into the lungs, improves cortisol levels. Pausing to breathe at the first sign of stress is the healthiest way to deal with it.

Every posture in yoga is a teacher.

Every posture in yoga is a teacher, but a favorite of mine is balasana. In Sanskrit, bala means "child". Balasana is the posture many students return to between rigorous asanas to steady their breath, but it’s also a counter pose for backbends and may sometimes begin or end a series of asanas.

Balasana begins by sitting on your knees with your shins beneath you. Then, depending on the purpose of your balasana, you can either move forward toward the earth with your arms and hands reaching in front of you for an active posture, or allow your arms to fall alongside either rib for a more relaxing pose. This posture is about being in the moment.

Extensive research on creativity reveals that after childhood, our ability to be creative decreases exponentially. A critical ingredient for creativity is presence. Children often don’t think about the past since their life is relatively short—and limited by a developing cognition, the meaning of the word "future" is a difficult concept to grasp. Balasana transforms us into the children we once were playing on to the ground, reminding our body of what it feels like to be in the moment.

Yoga, like other practices that activate qi or prana, creates a space for self-development and presence. Our action on the mat can be replicated elsewhere, whether it’s 15 minutes of solace before our kids awake, a walk around the block, or committing to unplugging a few times during the week. Whatever "mat" we chose, we must embrace our practices with the thrill of a child and the dedication of a Yogi.


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The Moving Moment

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What moves you? I mean deeply moves you. For some, it’s a clear, blue sky. A lover’s eyes. The smell of a baby’s breath. But for photographer Martine Franck, it was the plight of refugees.


I was weaned on sapphire skies. Beneath oak tree canopies the blue shot through, transforming our backyard into a sensory wonderland. Later on, when I lived near the Pacific and Atlantic coasts, I would marvel at the way the sky disappeared into the sea, an earthly communion early man must have marveled at, too.

India Arie’s song, “Moved By You”, eloquently and lovingly captures the symbiotic relationship of being moved by creation. A devotional to the Divine, the song underscores the generative forces of inspiration that enable us to take action:

You're the eyes of a child,

You're a horse running wild,

You're the cracking open of a heart,

You make me feel so alive,

I am honoured to know,

The twinkle of your star.

I give thanks for my time upon the planet Earth,

By all of your beauty,

I am so inspired

On most days where I live now, a blanket of gray snuffs out the fires of inspiration. With an annual air quality average considered unhealthy for most people, it literally takes my breath away. But if a simpatico relationship with nature—the mother of all inspiration—isn’t possible, how else is it born?

“Curiosity, in a way, makes you open doors, makes you surpass yourself, makes you go places,” said Martine Franck. Among her accomplishments, Franck has been one of a small number of women to be invited to join Magnum Photos for her photographic work. Citing influences such as British photographer Julia Margaret Cameron and American photographers Dorothea Lange and Margaret Bourke-White, Martine’s oeuvre was portraiture.

In 1996, Martine had been following the stories of two churches that were occupied by more than 500 sans-papiers refugees, mostly from Mali, who were protesting with hunger strikes. Before the government stormed the consecrated space with tear gas and violence, Martine visited one of the churches to photograph the people within, especially the women.

 

The ‘Sans-papiers

 
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During the protest, the Church of Saint-Bernard de la Chapelle served as one of the havens to the refugees. A picturesque neo-gothic Roman Catholic building dating from 1861, it was the offspring of a population boom in Paris’ Goutte d'Or neighborhood, a place home to North African and sub-Saharan immigrants, thus giving it the nickname, “Little Africa”.

I have always been fond of historical places of worship. Now, as it was when I was a little girl, my eyes strain to take in every detail of these sacred spaces, which reflect church politics of the day as much as beauty. In the late 1800s, the revival of Gothic style construction of Catholic churches was a response to growing Evangelicalism, an attempt by church officials to visually connect the present Catholic body with the one that existed pre-Reformation. The construction of the Church of Saint-Bernard de la Chapelle was a mirror of those times. 

Previously the area of Goutte d'Or was served by another church—from the gothic period, which briefly sheltered Joan of Arc before she entered Paris for a series of battles that would make her name synonymous with courage. As much as these sacred spaces exist to restore the heart’s of the faithful, it’s the people seeking refuge within them who can offer us transcendence. Martine must have experienced it when she went to Saint-Bernard that day.

“I just wandered around the church,” she said. “I just introduced myself to these women—I just thought it was a very moving moment.”

Curiosity guided Martine’s creative compass, but so did her compassion for the refugees. While research on the effect that nature has on creativity has reached a fever pitch, we'd benefit from more studies on how creativity is influenced by compassion—an intrinsic motivation, trumped evermore by an insatiable desire for wealth and fame.

Since arriving in Vietnam, I have had many moving moments rooted in empathy: In the midst of writing this, one of my building's housekeepers came by to thank me for finding and returning 40 USD she lost by my front door. I took the time to seek her out knowing how the loss would affect her livelihood; the average Vietnamese person makes 250 USD per month—a housekeeper makes far less. She embraced me with gratitude. When I returned to my writing, I felt the same way I did while staring out at the Pacific Ocean from a precipice in Big Sur, wildly inspired by our shared hope in humanity.

 

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Martine included only one photograph from her time at Saint-Bernard in Women/Femmes, a book of her portraits spanning 50 years, which Magnum Photos published in 2010. Within the book, a composed, but a distressed sans-papiers woman is juxtaposed to female citizens of France who are doing things like sculpting, posing in pliés, and embracing one another. Turning each page, moving moments reveal themselves like a Russian nesting doll; Martine’s portraits deftly depict the invisible boundaries that divide us, and the hearts and hands the ultimately bring us together.

Another moving moment plays on a theme, Martine’s preferred way of assembling work. Hands and eyes figure prominently in each of the portraits in Women/Femmes. Within human culture, the hand is a powerful symbol of strength: The mudras of Hinduism and Buddhism are sacred gestures intended to facilitate the flow of qi in the subtle body; while Christ’s punctured hands symbolize his sacrifice for human sin. In science, the opposable thumb is a differentiating feature which came to define Homo sapiens; while our hands, unlike any other part of our body, played a significant role in the development of our brain, language, and culture.

 
 

Silent Madonnas

 
 
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Martine took great care to lovingly depict the mental and bodily strength of women. Her work, which unfortunately ended with her life in 2012, was a testament to this fact. Part of the silent power of the sans-papiers woman is what she projects. In the photograph, the woman—who is likely a mother—cradles a lively babe whose blurry likeness is a singular homage to movement. The picture also calls to mind another image imprinted on our collective memory and on countless Christmas cards—the Madonna and Child. In Martine’s version, the cocoa skin of her sans-papiers Madonna radiates beneath an ethereal light, but her eyes reflect the agony of the unknown. “Glad tidings!” are not to come.

Behind the seated sans-papiers Madonna another Madonna looms, but this one’s frozen in stone. It’s a depiction of the pietà, one of the three common representations of Mary cradling the dead body of Jesus. The sculptor immortalized Mary’s grace in marble for the same reason Martine painted the sans-papiers Madonna with light—if only to move us. We are awed by the internal strength Mary must have had to conjure holding her broken son, and yet it's no different than the strength the sans-papiers woman would conjure as police bombarded the church with tear gas, as they forcefully removed people from the building, as they banished her and her child to a place of civil war.

 

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Fit To Consume

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Pomelo blossoms in Hanoi, Vietnam, from daily sketches.

Pomelo blossoms in Hanoi, Vietnam, from daily sketches.

The pomelo, a South East Asian fruit, serves as a metaphor for what 19th century sculptor Harriet Hosmer understood about how time can shape and sweeten us.


A traditional snack or after dinner digestive in Vietnam consists of a plate of pomelo (bu’o’i) and a small bowl of salt in which to dip the fleshy pieces of citrus. The ceremony is akin to a Southern feast of salted watermelon which is equally refreshing but that’s where the similarities end.

Whereas watermelons ripen over the span of months to sweeten, pomelos take 20 years according to local lore. To be clear, a pomelo flower blooms and in a matter of months a weighty orb appears, but it will never be eaten. Instead, it will be plucked and placed on an altar, an offering alongside cans of Coke and tins of butter cookies. Year after year, this routine is repeated until two decades have passed and the tree, finally mature, relinquishes its sweetest offering—edible fruit.

There is something beautiful about the relationship between the Vietnamese and their pomelos. Before the fruit is ready to eat by the living, it feeds and honors the dead. Perhaps unintentional, delayed gratification makes the pomelo's eventual consumption yields something sweeter. It's also usually eaten communally, the way consecrated bread is broken in Mass, underscoring the sacred in the moment. It's meaning multiplied among cherished company.

The tree offering the fruit serves a purpose. In the landscape of Southeast Asia, tree blossoms dominate several seasons, punctuating the sky with colorful constellations—purple, red and yellow—while pomelo blossoms appear as quietly as Venus, twinkling across a verdant canvas. Clipped, they last a few days at most. And yet it’s not their form people seek, it’s their scent.

…pomelo blossoms appear as quietly as Venus, twinkling across a verdant canvas.

At $5-7 per kilogram, a posy is the same price as two armfuls of Oriental lilies. Before commercial shampoo was widely available in Vietnam, women would steep the blossoms in water to perfume their hair. Today some women still wash their hair with the blossoms, but most people use them in their offerings as a way to bless the year to come.

By the time pomelo fruit arrives on the plate of most consumers, its Mother tree has gone through a seemingly endless production of fruit. Each sphere emerges and swells one season closer to perfection. Herein lies the parallel of human growth which Harriet Hosmer, considered the most distinguished American sculptor to date, illuminated within her lifetime.

Engraving of Harriet Hosmer depicting her at age 43 by Augustus Robin. The engraving appeared in Eminent Women of the Age by James Parton.

Engraving of Harriet Hosmer depicting her at age 43 by Augustus Robin. The engraving appeared in Eminent Women of the Age by James Parton.

In the mid-1800s, just after her twentieth year, Harriet lived and worked alone in a Roman studio. This was a time when women had little agency over their particular development, let alone housing arrangements. Initially escorted to Rome by her father who was instrumental in her development as an artist and intellectual, she settled in peacefully alongside an artistic ex-pat community within a world that was on the brink of civil.

Just as the scent of a pomelo bloom intoxicates upon first opening, Harriet must have been drunk on her newfound freedom, shaping not only marble but each moment of her life. Hosmer’s dedication to her artistic blossoming resulted in exceptional works of art, not only in their crafts(wo)manship, but especially their genius. Writing in her journal about the way in which she had moved toward maturity, Harriet limned, “My life is so unlike what it was then. I think and feel so differently it seems to me I must have left my former body and found another…. These changes make me feel twenty years older.” Despite the rumblings of war, life was sweet for Hosmer in Rome, so much so that she dreaded return of any kind to America. How did she create her dolce vita? She produced year after year until the fruit she bore was fit to consume.

 
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Today is International Women’s Day. In Vietnam, where women are largely credited with winning the American War, there’s a particular celebratory feeling afoot. While America champions Women’s History Month often spotlighting women who’ve achieved stratospheric success, here and in other parts of the world, the everyday woman is lauded.

With this in mind, who are the women in your immediate world? How have they contributed to your growth and development? How have you contributed to theirs? What fruit have you produced together?

Women often downplay the contributions they make to every day, forward movement of life. I invite you to reflect on the seemingly small acts that nurture the sweetness in your life.


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What is Your Heart Work?

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Some people are incredibly in-tune with their heart-work. Are you? Staying in constant connection with our core makes it easier for use and direct flow.


A childhood friend recently sent a picture of a letter I wrote to her as a teenager. In it, I asked her what she wanted to study in college. I had a pretty good idea of what I would do.

“I think I would like to be a Psychologist/Architect,” I wrote in the whimsical script of youth.

More than two decades later I’m neither of these and yet I’m both. While the cellular body of my youth is obsolete, the letter confirmed that our cores never change.

The primary work of a psychologist is to support the promotion of healthy behavior and improve the quality of their patients’ lives. Similarly, an architect creates structures that protect, inspire, and nurture the individuals who inhabit them. At my core, I always wanted to help people in a formal and organized way: I helped people as a passionate bookseller who eventually oversaw marketing for a hip, independent bookstore; as an executive producer eager to share Southern literature and music with the world; and as a brand strategy consultant draw to beauty and sustainability. By the way, I would work in an amazing architecture firm, but as their marketing maven.

In late 14th century, the noun “core” came from Old French coeur, meaning heart. So to get to the core of something implies getting to the heart of it. Over the years, honoring my core/heart has allowed me to navigate a landscape that celebrates who I am and nurtures me. Sure, some people are perplexed by my work. They are unable to draw logical connections between my marketing background, art, and recently, TCM enthusiasm. That's okay. The people who truly know me understand, and most importantly, I can make sense of it. It is my heart’s work. 

Whenever I was true to what motivated me, I felt good and burned with energy. The times I let things like fear or money lead, I paid the price. My health suffered. I felt drained. Life was far from fun. Choosing your core over the things that scare you is a practice. Like doing asanas, meditation, or morning prayer, it takes time for it to become an integral part of your life rather than something you check off on a to-do list.

 
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Some people are super in-tune with their heart work. Staying in constant connection with our core makes it easier for use and direct flow. Whether in our relationships, our work, creative projects, or even at rest, honoring what makes you tick — especially when it is for the greatest and highest good — will serve everyone. This is a wonderful exercise I created to use when you need to reconnect with your core. Try it today!

Grab a pencil and piece of paper.

Draw a circle (about 2 inches) at the center of a piece of paper. What did you want to be when you were a kid? Break down what that profession or vision requires. For example, a dancer requires discipline and patience. A firefighter, bravery. Write those words in your circle.

This is your core. This is your heart.

Draw another circle around the core leaving about half an inch between the lines.

What elements of your childhood vision are relevant today? Are you writing or teaching. Traveling a lot. Being a mom or dad? Write those down in the outer circle.

Add more circles. In those outer circles, write down aspects of work, whether volunteering or helping a friend, drawing up plans, or anything that you enjoy!

Now looking at your outer circles, how do they relate to your core? Do you see synergy between your core and what you are doing now?

If your outer circles don’t relate at all to your core, what are some layers you’d like to change? Erase them and write down what you would like to be doing instead to reconnect with your core.

All these layers and your core are YOU.

How do you feel looking at this illustration?


Coucou Home is a place to feel refreshed, find heart sustenance, and heal your spirit. For this reason, it will always be ad-free. If you enjoy my work and value creativity in the world, please consider becoming a patron by making a donation in any amount. Your support is greatly appreciated! Thank you!

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The Nature of Feeling Grounded

Take a moment to read the philosophy behind Coucou Home. If you connect with it, then sign up for my monthly newsletter. 


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Grounding practices enrich creative flow, but how can you ground yourself in busy cities—let alone a busy life? Here are some tips to get started.


A few years ago I began meditating. Before that, I participated in closing my eyes at the end of yoga, and occasionally sat in lotus position when I felt particularly frazzled. Over the years, I’ve developed that practice into something I do every day. So when I proudly told my reiki teacher about what I felt was a personal accomplishment, she challenged me, “That’s great for clearing your mind, but how are you grounding yourself?”

Creativity requires roots. Ideas start in your head but once planted, they need direction to grow. For me, grounding nurtures those roots and creates a focus for life energy (qi) to manifest into a physical experience. The most simple grounding practice, and arguably most fun, is to kick off your shoes and stand on the ground. From here you can visualize yourself rooting into the ground. However, the act of connecting with Earth and loved ones, and being aware of the connection, is most important.

Grounding practices enrich creative flow. Unfortunately, for those of us in big cities, finding a grassy patch is like being on a treasure hunt in which few find the loot. The last time I was barefoot I was sprinting across the hot coals of a Vietnamese beach to cool water. Before that, it was the summer in Wales when I ditched my shoes and walked circles around a prickly field. By the end of the two weeks, I’d written and completed a short story. In Vietnam, where I live it’s different. I shared my no-nature dilemma with my teacher.

"Touch a tree," she said. "It’s that easy."

 
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If you’re like me and want to incorporate a regular grounding practice, check out this video for a 10 minute, straightforward practice. In the future, I may create a practice to share, but this is the practice that introduced me to grounding meditation. Check it out!

If you live near nature, or even have a small patch of Earth, spend a few moments standing on the Earth. You can visualize yourself growing roots, connecting with the ground and spreading the roots to loved ones. Once a week, for a few minutes is a great start to this practice. Soon, you’ll find yourself doing it whenever you need to recharge and feel tethered.

Even I have trees in my neighborhood, so pause and touch a tree that attracts you. Many of our trees blossom, so be sure to admire all aspect of the tree, not just the trunk, which helps to nourish the blooms, but the blooms too. They make a big sacrifice to ensure the continuation of life.

Finally, bring nature indoors. I make clippings and disperse them throughout my house. Unfortunately, potted plants don’t do well for me inside my home. I also diffuse natural, wood scented essential oils like Cypress, Douglas and Siberian Fir. There’s science behind the use of these wood-based essential oils which you can read more about here.


Coucou Home is a place to feel refreshed, find heart sustenance, and heal your spirit. For this reason, it will always be ad-free. If you enjoy my work and value creativity in the world, please consider becoming a patron by making a donation in any amount. Your support is greatly appreciated! Thank you!

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NATUREMary Warnerstories
Mirror Time

Take a moment to read the philosophy behind Coucou Home. If you connect with it, then sign up for my monthly newsletter. 


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Tuning into the movements of nature, especially the cycle of the moon can create “mirror time”, that critical space in our life that allows for self-examination. Do how do you begin?


Fireworks, spring blossoms, and at least for this year, pigs, marked the beginning of the Chinese New Year. The feeling of being between places in year two of what one friend calls my “Lotus Years” is more pronounced than ever. Questions of “Will I ever fit in?” have been replaced with “What can I learn?” or “What can I create?” Most of the answers reveal themselves to me during the period that marks Christmas in the West and the New Year in the East.

During the dark, month-long period between festivities is the hope of a new moon, which also marks the beginning of a new Lunar year in most of Asia. It’s a quiet time for me as I’m not Asian, and one I’ve chosen to dedicate to reflection.

Brooding over new beginnings feels luxurious to me and it’s probably foreign to you. In the West, we really have to fight for “mirror time” as I call it, that critical space in our lives for self-examination. It feels selfish, New Age-y, or both, so we settle for a one sentence New Year’s resolution that will be a footnote to our post-holiday recovery. Without a plan though, our best intentions will almost always vaporize.

In the West, January 1st follows so closely on the heels on feet worn down from shopping that there’s no time to reflect on what a New Year means, let alone what it can hold, or what we need to do to achieve our wildest dreams. That’s why for me the anticipation of the Lunar New Year with its rituals and dark moon, itself a harbinger of the unknown, offers the necessary time to slowly and intentionally cultivate plans for endless possibility. Why don’t you claim it, too?

This year afforded a relatively clear view of the sky, at least until it became filled with smoke from fireworks and fires. Even still, I had to search for my friend. I don’t always know where it is, disoriented as I am by this still new geography and the haze of pollution. Most of the time, I have to rely on my imagination and an app to visualize the moon in its current state. Whether imagined or real, however, I always offer it gratitude. When I do this, I am connected to the true pace of life — slow, steady and always becoming.


Coucou Home is a place to feel refreshed, find heart sustenance, and heal your spirit. For this reason, it will always be ad-free. If you enjoy my work and value creativity in the world, please consider becoming a patron by making a donation in any amount. Your support is greatly appreciated! Thank you!

Donate
NATUREMary Warnerstories
Begin, Again

Take a moment to read the philosophy behind Coucou Home. If you connect with it, then sign up for my monthly newsletter. 


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What does it take to deepen our practices so that we can connect with the innate creativity within us so that we can be transformed?

 

Relaunching Coucou Home after a long hiatus has been a lesson in persistence and belief.

Writing has been a core part of my life since I was given my first composition book. I was homeschooled for third grade, and one of the things my mom had me do every day was to write about a topic every week. I filled the wide-ruled pages with my hopes and dreams, and the kernels of future essays I'd yet to write. 

As a teenager, my first job was at the local Dairy Queen. It rewarded me with precious dollars, but it also gave me my first limiting belief when I told Tina, the older girl who managed the store, that I liked to write. “That won’t last,” she said as she expertly dipped two cones into a vat of warm chocolate. She was technically an adult, how could I not believe her? 

After I quit the cone job, I went to an art high school where I helped run the school’s newspaper with my twin sister. I also found new ways to tell stories in art classes ranging from pottery and jewelry making to painting and photography. In college, I looked forward to writing essays and my grades reflected it. It was a weekly column that made me realize what it means to communicate with words, to reach people. My writing was terrible, but it fed my spirit.


 
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In graduate school, I picked up the academic pen again and transformed a class into an early version of this website. I wrote mostly about home, and later on my search for it. I earned the award for best graduate thesis for a history of a radio show I worked on, and by then had published writing in Edible publications and Paste Magazine. I didn’t have a cheering squad. Instead, I had Tina telling me I couldn’t do it, and I was happy to prove her wrong. 

A funny thing happens to women approaching thirty. Things that seem light years away suddenly appear on the horizon: home, marriage, babies among them. Until then, they exist as abstract concept or pictures we gloss over in magazines. As the twenties dance on, they begin to manifest as your friends' lives. You are their bride’s maid and later house- and babysitter. Writing, which was central to my identity and way of making meaning of the world, became as irrelevant as high heels are in your thirties. Coucou Home, the place for which my writing lived, was shuttered if only because I no longer had time to "play" house. According to the rest of the world, I needed to make one! I still wrote the occasional essay for publications I admired, but my practice of writing, which had sustained my imagination and my will, surrendered a white flag. Tina had won.

In truth, I didn’t stop writing. I began to hide it. I was traveling twice a week, and my corporate job left me little free time to sleep, let alone write. The executives found my creative life charming but hardly took it seriously. Then again, neither did I. When I needed to be validated as I writer, I had the Los Angeles Review of Books or Bitter Southerner to publish my work. Charles Bukowski would have cringed. 

Then I got married. It was no longer just Tina telling me I couldn’t write. I had a chorus that included society, expectations, and other people’s Instagram posts. After a whirlwind romance, I moved to Vietnam to make a home with my husband. Within a few months, I was asked to lead a writing group and write for a magazine. I stress here that I was not looking for these opportunities. The writing group went well, but writing for the publication did not. My editors in the past were people who I personally connected with and who knew how to deliver criticism with grace, not an anvil. Suddenly, I was questioning my ability to tell a story. I had left Tina some ten thousand miles away, but there she was in her Dairy Queen regalia, dipping a cone in the subtropics. Maybe it really was time to put down the pen.

I had left Tina some ten thousand miles away, but there she was in her Dairy Queen regalia, dipping a cone in the subtropics.

We all have our Tinas. Mine took the form of a cone-dipping Latina, but maybe yours is a relative, or teacher who made you feel small. We can’t banish these people, but we can change our relationship with them. I know Tina was a creative person because we all have the potential to be creative. As an expression of the Divine, it is innate within us. Had I chosen to believe what Tina said about my creativity, that it would die rather than flourish with age, I wouldn’t be sharing this wisdom with you. And I certainly don’t think I would be doing it from halfway around the world. 

Luckily, I did not. After a walk across Wales with my husband, I was reinvigorated to write. Before I left, I had begun a redesign of the website, and many months later, here it is. Since I have resolved the search for home, I found myself shifting my lens to another subject, the thing that has made me persist at what I do throughout my life — creativity. 

Coucou Home's restoration reclaims my downtrodden spirit, but it also reestablishes a place for people to experience transparency and brutal honesty about what creativity is, and how it can transform us.